O, English!

I am absolutely certain that the brainwashing has really gone too far. For the O level English Composition Paper, you can practically just have this generator to do your paper for you…

PRESENTING THE Ol’10!

(supported by the system)

It will take over students’ brains really, all students need to do is tap it to our minds every night, and the generator will transmit formats and simple formulas (even for English creative writing) to their brains.

On the day of the English composition paper, students will all enter the examination room, unsuspecting of other students using the exact same device. They will innocently be mistaken, ‘O, but even if they did, the package said that the formulas and formats are unique.’

However, it appears that most people have missed out the fine print, and not noted that the creator is, in fact, Steve Jobz! O NO! iCon! What a tragedy!

The topic for that paper’s narrative essay question appears to be on the topic of ‘a complicated relationship’. The Ol’10, being very updated and modern, is of course aware of the Korean drama scene as well and guess what? All this has been transmitted to the students’ minds! Great, isn’t it? Thus, once the unsuspecting student enters the topic, ‘a complicated relationship’, into his or her mind, the student will start with,

“Susie walked through an orchard, fallen apples red and cidery on the ground, crossed a stone wall, and wandered on into a small wood. The path was carpeted with leaves, red, orange, gold, giving off a rich earthy smell. The sun shone with a golden haze through a muted blue sky. Leaves whispered to the ground. The air was crisp, but not cold. She hummed with contentment…”

After a fantastic introduction full of imagery and engaging the five senses, the plot will continue like this:

(of course, it being changed to be politically correct is a given)

1. Girl likes Boy (beginning)
2. Boy likes Girl
3. Girl’s good friend likes Boy (rising action)
4. Girl and Girl’s good friend fight
5. Boy mysteriously leaves the story because he’s mean (climax; although it’s really weird to be here)
6. Girl and Girl’s good friend regret fighting over stupid Boy
7. They make up (falling action)
8. Happy happy ending and go lala off in the sunset together (resolution)
9. Moral of the story: “Throw rocks at boys” “Friends are forever”

After which, all 10000 or so O level candidates will merrily hand up their papers. No doubt they will all get their A1s for that paper. The Ol’10 has flawless grammar and such a wide range of vocabulary, all transmitted to those tiny insiginficant brains. Hah! What could possibly go wrong?

Nothing of course!

Except that everybody becomes mindless and identical, with no creative juices – O, look how united our nation is!

It’s beneficial to both parties! Not only do students receive their A1s in English and all their other subjects, the markers and examiners also need not worry about failing anybody and destroying their precious egos! A1s are people’s lives, you know. Can you imagine how much higher the suicide rate would be if the markers gave them F9s? It would be unthinkable! It would be a tragicomedy!

So, mums and dads, buy the Ol’10 for your child today! Don’t bother with tuitions! Remember, a small change makes a big change in marks! Be united! MAKE a MENSA candidate! No need for creativity or aptitude! Prepare And Plan! All just for $100.99! No GST!

Don’t buy one and you’ll be fine.

Screw It Ol’10,

Miss Contrary

How To Be A Great Mirror

(onlyworkswitht’chowithinkonlysec2tmgsianswillgetthis)

sorry for the pathetic attempt, but i had to.

1. throughout the year, agree with the teacher mindlessly. it doesn’t matter whether your views keep changing, it just means you, like the teacher, have a broad perspective and you’re just fleshing out different aspects of your reallly realllly broad perspective every time.

2. when reflecting, use a lot of shiny pens, because they reflect better.

3. write most of the essay in bright pink because it is a declaration of ‘i love cip and singapore!’. you see, singapore = red & white = pink. by writing in bright pink, it emphasizes the fact that you’re a patriot and you absolutely adore serving the community. you will blind the marker with such great patriotism and love that you will immediately get an A.

4. although most of the essay is in bright pink, do remember to include other colours as well so as to enhance how aesthetically appealing it is. remember that colour transition must suit the tone. if it is a subtle change in attitude/emotion, switch from colours such as pink, to purple (which also shows how broad your perspective is as you accept gays!) and such. if the change is great and profound, feel free to switch from opposing colours, such as red (anger) to green (disgust/envy) to yellow (happy) to blue (depressed/calm). yes i know you sound schizo. colour symbolism will add much depth to it. however, as we are only mere secondary 2 students, so much will not be expected of us and thus only the variety of colours will be used.

5. to further enhance how aesthetically appealing it is, do ensure your handwriting is made up of a variety of lines, from curved to straight to jagged. remember elements of art and variety as well as balance. optimum balance shows your great understanding in reflecting.

6. as the fudge on top of the icecream, do remember to draw a very pretty box on the top right hand corner. it must be neatly drawn in pink and with a ruler, and cute little curved edges. you will earn bonus marks for pretty boxes and may even be given an immediate A or full marks.

7. remember that i = r. your grammar doesn’t matter really, after all the above. it will be of the last priority. i r miss contrary. i r mirror. i r reflecting. i r love cip.

8. in the unlikely event that your homework is handed up to the ‘rose’ of them all (withthornsandwhatnot), and the ‘rose’ reads it, do note that everything has to be spelt out. it really depends how much you would like to cut off the thorns… perhaps this writing style would help:

o-n s-u-n-d-a-y t-h-e 2-5-t-h o-f m-a-r-c-h, i w-e-n-t t-o t-h-e l-o-c-a-l l-i-b-r-a-r-y…

(oh, btw have you realised that the ‘rose’ has decided to flatten its petals and now looks awfully… chubby? it also morphed into bright pink, as opposed to the general plastic-like scarlet red, today, so really, the pink pointers help.)

9. as that is very tiring to write, and you do think more of the ‘rose’, remember that mirrors always reflect. echo what the ‘rose’ would write. it would go something like this. oh, and politically correct is always the way to go:

“i absolutely adore serving my country! i got to like, wear pink on that day! the workers tags they gave us were so cute! they were, all pink! with a pink strap, and pink name cards and all! i learnt that pink cannot go wrong. it was indeed an educationally enriching experience! never in my life did i know that red and white make pink! creating colours is indeed very very lovely. actually, it is very very wrong, because the painter said that it was very tiring to mix colours and putting a human life at stake, as the painter may die any second from exhaustion of mixing paint, is very wrong, because a human life is very valuable! and honestly, even if the painter wants to kill himself, I MUST SAVE THE PAINTER! though my friend said the painter has the right to self-rule, so really, i can just stand by too. so i learnt many many things, and my brain almost exploded! i can’t imagine how many two things i learnt! i would love to be a mirror again! so shiny and pretty and glam!’

10. another writing technique you can adopt is making yourself really horrible at the beginning and then undergoing a miraculous change:

“i really didn’t care, but my lovely levelhead (llh)said that i had to be a mirror for a day, so i decided, why not. however, my llh couldn’t make it because my llh had to go for a manicure so she can be the lovelier llh, she really is so intelligent! so i went there and i was like, so apprehensive as to whether i should continue being a mirror, because we had to have these disgusting blue tags. i even tore one up because it looked so unglam. however, after the entire process, i realised that being a mirror is a tough job and it was indeed great to serve the community! even if it involves blue tags! because serving the community is very important and is most definitely more important than tearing blue nametags, because i can just shred them so they’re neat rectangles.”

11. remember that cute spiders are always a great add-on for border decor! do remember that these spiders have to be vaguely cutely fluffy with big bug eyes that look pleadingly and innocently at you. each spider must have 6 even legs that are awesomely cute and equal. you get a grade up.

12. most importantly, make a statement! always remember to leave a postscript stating, ‘i love pink and rebonded hair‘

then you will be a great mirror and be guaranteed an A, in bright bold pink lettering.

screw it,

Miss Contrary

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